Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
