I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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