I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
