fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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