Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
