I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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