can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
