Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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