Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
