last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
