Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
