I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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