Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
