Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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