So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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