I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
