at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
