I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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