I faked an abortion last night.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
