We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
