How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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