He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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