the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize