I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My vagina just recognized that song.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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