There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
