On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
50% drunk capacity currently
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
