i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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