Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Found your dick twin last night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
