i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
