Will you blow on my dice?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
