i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Come share oat with me in your robe
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
