Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
