So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
