the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We named our party play list daddy issues
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
