girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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