i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
