I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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