just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
