and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
