You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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