I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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