I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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