Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
