the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
