dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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