I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
