I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
