I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
