Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
