4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
