We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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