Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
