If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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