This girl is more easily done than said...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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