Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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