I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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