Umm I'm too high to move.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What a dumb baby whore.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
