she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
