I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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