My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
